A: Yeah, I can talk about this one. I think one popular myth, in especially communities of color and in South Asian communities specifically, is that being queer or trans is a white thing or a European thing. But actually, if you look through many South Asian histories, queerness or being trans or being gay is really part of our history as South Asian people so it's not as unfamiliar or as scary or as unnatural, as It might initially seem those are just kind of ideas that have been perpetuated because of colonialism. So yeah, I think that that myth that it's like an unnatural or white thing isn't really true. And there are a lot of queer South Asian people and also people of color in general. And I guess in terms of relationships specifically, I think that besides, like you mentioned, besides the kind of idea that queer relationships are abnormal or weird, I think that there's also, in the US specifically, people who either like stigmatize queer relationships or even like fetishize relationships that going the opposite direction. It might seem like it's a good thing, or it might seem that someone's being an ally, but they're actually just fetishizing queer relationships instead, or seeing it as like a cute thing. That is also harmful because it kind of perpetuates the idea that we're an ‘other’ or not really people in the same way

R: I feel like, this is my personal opinion: Sometimes, like I've heard and I've seen accounts of like straight people to think that like LGBTQ relationships are like better, and they're, you know, totally safe. And that like violence can happen. But that's not true. queer people are human just like everyone else. And we have a lot to heal from, I think. And what could help in maintaining better relationships is like a place like a support place to go to if a person is like hurting in the relationship. They don't know how to talk about it. They've never been taught to talk about it. They have a lot of it's internalized hatred. So having like a support place, external thing, where maybe they can both talk to people and understand and unlearn things like that's, you know, one way that relationships could be improved, but that support system has to be there in the first place. So a lot of the problems is like not having that in the first place anyway.

A: Yeah, I think that there is a lot of like overlap between where people are being exposed to violence. And I think that a lot of people definitely do also face discrimination or abuse from their families. Because like we were talking about before, it's not something that people always understand their families always understand. I know in my own experiences; I've been pretty lucky in that my family does kind of generally understand where I'm coming from because they kind of grew up in a place where they were exposed to different kinds of people. But I do know that in the town where my parents live, which is a predominantly South Asian and East Asian immigrant community, a lot of times people don't really understand me or understand the way that I present myself and I definitely do stick out. So that kind of feeling of being excluded or kind of an outsider in my own communities is a pretty challenging feeling, and especially comes into play when I try to connect more with my culture, and try to be part of either holidays or celebrations. There's that barrier that comes up between me and trying to connect with my culture as well.

S: Yeah, I definitely feel that. I think until recently, mainstream queer representation had been devoid of like QTPOC and just people other than cis white gay men or lesbians or bisexual people. So growing up it felt like I was either South Asian or I was queer. It never occurred to me that I could be both. Like I was either watching cis shows Bollywood movies or I was like watching very whitewashed Glee queer media. There was no space really for me to be both or to do both. Yeah, I definitely feel that like that disconnect from I have to either be queer in one space or I have to be South Asian in one space. And it's been a bit intimidating to try to do both at the same time, in most places that I go to.

R: For me, personally, I haven't been in a long term or short term relationship, but definitely obvious for me trying to like navigate school and mental health and stuff and not seeing like resources for me there. Because it's, you know, usually dominated by white people. And then trying to talk to like, family friends or family about what's going on and I can't do that either. So I can't talk to these, those two supports are really lacking. And I think the ways that families can discriminate or feel different ways, those thoughts can like kind of flood out into like the community. So oftentimes, like friends of the same ethnicity might be hard to talk to who might be straight and cisgender. So it can seem that like from a lot of sides, it's hard to find support.

R: I myself have, and I know other people who have. And I think one of the reasons that could be that is because, you know, we're not mainstream. So our culture and like, that's one of the heaviest things we hold on to. So it sometimes feels like your culture is kind of throwing you out. And that's really heavy. If you're not white, like, especially in the US. But then the added difficulty is that when you try to find help, in trying to deal with like all the systems that you're trying to navigate, it's like, hard. It's hard to find that help. So it's hard for you to navigate the systems. And then when you try to look for mental health that's hard too so it's a big strain. It's a big strain when both those things aren't there. So that's what can be detrimental, I think, and I think then the added part of family rejection or cultural rejection, adds another thing. So that's another layer on top of like all the other mental health things you're dealing with. And then all the concrete things that you can't do, because of how the system makes that seem. So a representation, whatever, whatever you want to call it. So yeah, I think that can be very detrimental.

S: Yeah, absolutely. A lot of people and for a lot of my friends I see having to choose between themselves and living like their truth, you know, living the life that they want to live and having to live that life without their family, having to choose between their family and the life that they want to live. And obviously that's going to take a tremendous toll on your health on your sense of worth and wellbeing. I do see that in our community unfortunately. And it's a horrible choice that people have to make or that people are making and one that they don't have to make. They shouldn't have to make that choice.

S: I know this one organization in the Bay Area, I'm assuming Maitri listeners are mostly from the Bay Area. So there's one organization called Trikone, which is a South Asian LGBTQ+ Bay Area organization based in San Francisco. They started I think, in the 80s. So they've been around for a long time, and they have support groups for women identifying queer people and training sessions for parents of queer youth. They do a lot of general community work for the trans community, the South Asian queer community. I haven't worked with them closely personally, but I do see them showing up and doing a lot of community work for queer South Asian.

A: In addition to Trikone that Satchi mentioned also in the bay, there is the Pacific Center on Telegraph, like right between Berkeley and Oakland. They aren't South Asians specific but they are queer specific, and they're like a mental health research center. And they do have specific groups for queer people of color as well. So that's a little bit more generic, but they do have mental health services specifically. I haven't used them but I do know people who have and they also like, have good options as well. And then University of Berkeley has a lot of student groups on campus and many of them are also open to general community members. I was part of Cal Q&A or queer and Asian for five semesters at Berkeley as a board member. And that's basically just a community group for queer and Asian, that includes South Asian students on campus and also general community members.

R: I guess this isn't a QTPOC group, but the Gender Equity Center is like a building, is like a center for queer people. It's beautifully run and they host a lot of programs during the semester. There's a lot of informational stuff for queer and transgender people. In the Martin Luther King Jr. Building on campus, we have like a queer trans people of color lounge, take a space that's just for us. And I think that's a great thing to have. We also have the offices for the Queer Alliance Resource Center, which is another massive queer organization on campus, run by a lot of people and they provide information. They also provide like other resources to other groups on campus, and they also provide help sponsor discussions with other queer people, and like transition information for transgender people and stuff like that.

S: A lot of people I know a lot of their trauma comes from rifts in their relationships with their parents. Your relationship with your parents is so important to just your general wellbeing and the path of your life. So I think a lot of work needs to be done by the parents. And I know that when I came out to my parents, there was some quick moment of like, Whoa, okay, that will take a moment to sink in. But I like still love you, I will still learn, I will be here to support you. And just I think, like we acknowledge to usually like the children acknowledge that this is a lot of this is like a kind of a big bombshell to like, drop on your parents or whatever, and that it takes a little bit for that to sink in. However, it's so important for the parents to just be there and keep learning and keep supporting and figuring out how to do better and be who they need to be for their kids. That's just like work that adults need to do, that parents need to do, and hold each other accountable to do and that will save so much like heartache and trauma in the queer community if it starts from there. That's just my first thought.

A: Yeah, I want a second what Satchi said, those are all really great suggestions. I think, for parents specifically, I think that it's really important for parents to also educate themselves. I know when I came out, I had to do a lot of work in educating my parents, you know, even though they've like lived in the US for so long, and they kind of know about queer issues and they have queer friends. It's different when your own kid is queer. And it's, it's different from just having a queer friend. And even though I was more than happy to do a lot of the work of educating my parents, I also want to say that I think it's important for parents to look stuff up online and do as much as they can to educate themselves. I mean, a lot of queer people learn about themselves through the internet. Now, that's like made more accessible to parents as well. And I think that it's also it's okay to also be uncomfortable or kind of still unsure about this idea of, like your kid coming out as queer can be a really big thing for some people. And I think that it's important for people to, I guess, like, honor their own feelings and their own discomfort, but also take steps to work through it, instead of just dumping that all on their children.

R: I think parents definitely need to have that initiative to educate themselves. When however, that happens, that's what needs to happen.

S: I mean; this is a great first step. I'm glad that Maitri is creating the space for this conversation to happen. And I'm hopeful that people listening especially parents listening will have some good points to take away and yeah, just thankful for this visibility right now.

R: I think just general education. And I think also, if there's a family with like multiple kids and like, you know, one of them's queer, I think, definitely if like, siblings also with like privilege to being straight and cisgender and everything should definitely try to fight for their siblings to also take part of that labor to educate the parents and community members about what you know what LGBTQ means, and like, you know, what Queerness means. And I think also, one important thing I wanted to mention is I think connecting it to the culture is very important, putting it in the context of history, cultural history. So then they don't think it's a white thing, because it's not actually foreign. It's just hidden under years and years of trying to be erased. So I think pulling out those concrete examples from the past, maybe from like cultural mythologies and stuff like that to be like, Hey, you know what it's actually here. Like, it's actually here, they just didn't teach you about it because they didn't want you to know. So when you're able to make that connection, because queer things can be very obstructed, and sometimes that doesn't help when, you know, there are people who, you know, my parents who are uneducated, they couldn't because that history has been almost taken away. So I think reeducating it back. And making it through those cultural things is a way that you can kind of very concretely talk about it, and make it more relatable. And then at the same time, you can, you know, we can talk about how to accept like your queer kid. I think that's the first thing that's the first thing and then after that, it's the cultural connection, like where queerness fits in Where are being transgender fits in and stuff like that.